After my husband Todd, wrote 50 Shades of Red (fifty things men can do to establish red-hot intimacy in their marriage), I thought it might be good for me to write a bit about some of the needs men have but will likely never share with their wives. Of course, lots of books have been written on the subject of men’s needs (see resources below) so, I am simply going to highlight some of them here. Here now are 10 Things he won’t tell you that he needs. Sorry if after Todd’s 50 ideas you were hoping for 50 ideas from me, but let’s face it – men are a bit simpler than women are in the first place, and in the second place, I’m a busy mom of 11 kids so I’m going to keep it short!
#1. Show respect. And yes, I put this as number one for a reason. Respect is a top need of a man. So, when you are upset with him don’t disrespect him with your words. You can let him know how you feel but make sure you do it in a respectful way. Also, be sure not to disrespect him by going and telling friends or others how “bad” he is. Watch what you say and do around the children. They will pick up your pattern of respect or disrespect. He is more able to hear your thoughts and feelings when you have shown him respect. Beyond this, it also hurts you when you become negative about him.
#2. Don’t forget that He is your Prince. Every Princess longed for their prince and now that you have found him, don’t let him forget it. He needs to feel like your knight in shining armor by always telling him how proud of him you are. Tell him what an awesome dad he is. Remind him how much it means to you that he is a provider for your family. Show him that you appreciate all that he does for you and for the family. Appreciation is a huge man-motivator. Show appreciation for who he is and what he does and you’ll find that he’ll want to do more and do better. Point out his most honorable attributes. Catch him doing right and praise him for it.
#3. Don’t ever give him the sense you want to give up on him. He may forget to do things. He may not do things exactly the way you would like them done. He may not listen well, but don’t ever give him the sense that you’re giving up on him in any category of your life together. He needs to know that you believe in him and that you are always willing for him to step up and try. If he feels you have given up he will lose his will to fight. And ladies, don’t ever use the D (divorce) word, even as an idol threat. Thinking the word is very near to saying it. It is nothing to take lightly and never use it unless you have good biblical reason to.
#4. Set him up for success. Give him all the tools he needs to succeed. If you’re looking for him to give you a night out with friends give him a battle plan. Make a list for him, however, he may enjoy a list of options rather than a list of “to-do’s”. All he needs is to succeed once in order to want to do something again. The same is true in the opposite. If he fails, he may never want to be put in that situation again
#5. Tell him some things you need him to do in order for you to feel happy. For example, “I would really appreciate if you send me a text to let me know you were going to be late so that I can plan accordingly.” Or “It makes me happy when you see the car is getting low on gas and fill it up for me” Don’t make him guess the little things that he can do to make you happy and your job as wife and mom a little easier. He wants you to be happy because this gives him a sense of honor and self-respect.
#6. Have fun with him. I’m convinced that guys were made to make women have more fun. I’m a task oriented person but it is good for me to set my list of “to-do’s” aside and just play with my husband and kids. So, surprise your husband and go play. Set up a date that is all fun and games, a time where there will be no business or stressful talk, just fun!
#7. Don’t test him. There’s a good chance he will fail. Instead of testing him to see if he will notice, or pick up on your needs, thoughts or feelings, just be honest and tell him what you need, think and feel. Don’t wait and see if he magically notices the thing you’re focused on. Don’t stew or waist time wondering when he will bring “it” up. Your heart will grow weary and once he finds out he has been tested he will feel deeply disrespected.
#8. Every so often cook a special meal just with him in mind. Make a meal that he likes even if the kids don’t like it…just feed them some chicken nuggets on the side. Make a dinner that he enjoys and let him know that you did it just for him. He probably won’t mind helping with the dishes.
#9. Pray for your husband. Let him know that you are asking God to help him lead your marriage and family. Praying with him gives him confidence that you are on the same page in marriage, parenting, and in life in general. He needs you to have his back in prayer.
#10. Be intimate with him. This is a top need of most men and it is not to be overlooked, however, I purposely put it last on the list because I don’t want you to think that men can be reduced to just this one need. God made men to feel loved most through sexual intimacy. Men are more open emotionally when wives are available sexually. He won’t likely tell you, but he needs regular moments of sexual intimacy with you. Sex helps a man feel accepted and loved.
So, there you have it. 10 things he probably won’t tell you he needs. If doing all 10 seems overwhelming to you, don’t let it. I would advise that you simply set a goal to implement even one this week and add on from there! Take a moment and read back over the 10 and choose one that needs your focus.
“A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.”
~ Proverbs 12:4 ~