Part 2 | You can’t will a baby to live

I was devastated at the loss and really didn’t want to talk about it.  I didn’t want to explain the medical jargon and reason for why I had lost the baby or how it was really a loss of two babies because it was a partial molar pregnancy.  I  just wanted to go into my room and cry and maybe just go to sleep but I did need to share things with Todd and because we had a difficult decisions to make.  The doctor had shared a few options with me about what could happen next.  One option would be to let my body naturally reject the lost pregnancy.  This would mean that I would have to collect everything that I delivered at home and bring it back to the doctor’s office so that all the marital could be accounted for and lab-tested.  Nothing could remain inside of me because there was a fear that I would develop cancer… yes, cancer.The threat of cancer was the second piece of really bad news. I not only lost the twins, but because I had what is called a partial molar pregnancy I now faced an awful threat of cancer growing in my body. The pregnancy loss was due to a rare form of a partial molar pregnancy that occurs because of a genetic error during fertilization.  In my case, one embryo began to develop normally while the other one grew abnormally.  The healthy embryo was quickly consumed by the abnormal one.  The doctor said that  this was the “better” of the two forms of molar pregnancy but knowing this did little to console my breaking spirit.

Our second option, beyond natural miscarriage, was to have a D&C (Dilation and Curettage) procedure.  This surgical procedure would allow the doctor the best opportunity of removing everything associated with the partial molar pregnancy.

Because it was Monday November 24th, just three days from Thanksgiving, my doctor was concerned that I would start to deliver on the holiday.  She also was worried that I might hemorrhage and need to be hospitalized.  So, after prayer and a night of restless sleep we decided to have her do the surgery.  She agreed to do the surgery on Wednesday, which is not a normal day for her to do surgery but she was willing to come in just for us.

Of course, this meant that I would be home and recovering on Thanksgiving.  I normally would make every effort to help my family embrace the meaning and make the most of every holiday, but I have to admit that it was very difficult for me to be thankful for anything that Thanksgiving day.  I recently looked back through my 2003 photo albums and found that there is not even one picture of my family from that Thanksgiving weekend.  If there had been a photo, I’m certain that my smile would have been a fake one.

Because cancer cells are so microscopic and may not all be removed during the procedure, I was put on “cancer watch” for the next year.  I had weekly blood tests to monitor my HcG levels for the first month beyond the surgery.  If the levels were going down it was a good sign that no cancer was forming in my body.  Thankfully, my levels did continue to go down and a year later I was cleared of the cancer threat.

One of the most miraculous things about that year was the fact that we managed to not get pregnant. I feel like God truly closed my womb for that year, knowing how important it was for me not to get pregnant. However, certainly the miraculous thing that year was that we were cleared of the cancer threat and literally the next month we got pregnant with our first son Trezdin.

Being pregnant with a boy was also a story of Gods grace because, as you may recall in part 1 of this 2 part post, we had a garage sale where we sold most of our girl clothes. God really knows what He is doing!

~ Romans 12:15 ~